In August of 1874, a hard rain of grasshoppers blanketed the Kansas prairie up to four inches deep in some places. They ate through everything in sight, from clothing hanging on the washline to entire vegetable gardens. My friend Susan probably felt like one of those vegetables as she went to her first BDSM munch, describing the scene as, "Doms to the left of me, Doms to the right of me, Doms in front of me, all vying for my attention." If brushing them off like grasshoppers on a hot summer day was the worst of it, Susan never would have told me this story. But it was far worse; many of them were quite simply, Dominants Behaving Badly.

Susan shouldn't have been surprised at the number of men hitting on her. These days, with the male/female ratio being what it is in the BDSM scene, a girl could be a total shrew and still snag Dominants by the cartful. A gal like Susan, no shrew, and really a bit of a hottie - is quite the catch. She described the questions coming from these strangers, from how many partners she had played with, to what kinds of activities she enjoyed, to which kinds of toys she liked best. Another friend tells me that she's darn sick of the dating scene because her date often starts hitting on her before they've even gotten to the salad course. Submissives online often report Dominants asking, even demanding nude photos as well as information about their sex life long before they've even met. My own experience is, sadly, no different. One Dominant actually attempted to trap me in the closet as I was getting my coat for our dinner date. When I put my hand against his chest, he surely thought I was accepting the pass, but I was actually readying to give him a good shove. I did exactly that, and relished the look of surprise on his face as he jolted backward. Needless to say he didn't score that night.

To a certain extent we expect Dominants to be assertive; after all it is their nature and they often feel it is expected of them. Also, in a play party situation, a direct approach is required. But this column isn't about those kind of situations, rather about behavior that is not only boorish, but downright inappropriate. Worse, this kind of conduct has become so normalized that many Submissives don't even realize it's not acceptable. And yet, in a vanilla situation I have no doubt they'd laugh in the face of any guy nosy enough to ask them if they prefer doggie style over missionary. My friend Bear, founder of the North Conway New Hampshire Munch (and a Dom who knows how to behave), tells the story of how he met his wife glow. "When I met glow for the first time, it was just for drinks and dancing and I had no further expectations. We talked and danced and drank. I asked no questions that could create feelings of 'he's only here to bed me.' After all, I was busy getting to know a fascinating woman!"

It turns out that I'm an old fashioned girl when it comes to dating and relationships. Maybe not by vanilla standards of course, but by the standards of the BDSM community which sometimes encourage intimacy, sex, and play with people we just met. For example a few years ago when I had an ad on an internet dating website, I chose not to complete the checklist of BDSM activities. Everything on the kinky planet was included there, from anal sex to foot worship to enemas. I figured that whether or not I like pussy whipping had little to do with finding a quality partner, not to mention broadcasting such an intimate preference to the entire internet. This is personal information to me, something intimate to share with a lover. I may share it in a roundabout way with my readers, but that is hardly as crude and simplistic as a checklist. I want to be chosen as a partner for the whole of my personality, good or bad, not some silly thing that I checked or didn't check.

To a certain extent I believe that these badly behaving Dominants, mostly men, are responsible for their behavior. But I also see that they continue with this kind of behavior because many Submissive women allow it. When I first went out in the dating scene, I was hungry for BDSM experiences and it probably showed. Dominants surely recognized this and responded. As I matured and came to recognize my unique worth as a woman and a Submissive, the boorish behavior occurred far less often. In a way, you could say that I started acting like a lady, and so was treated like a lady. Unfortunately to women submissives with self-esteem issues, it's far more difficult to have strong boundaries.

Today when I am faced with nosy questions, I simply say, "That is a very intimate and personal question, and I'm not ready to address that right now. When we get to the point that we are ready to make love or play together, I will share that information with you." This has been particularly effective because I get involved with maybe 5% of the men I have dated, so I'm glad that I didn't share intimate details about myself with the other 95%; how embarrassing that would have been. My friend Liz adds, "I recently started seeing a Dom who is first and foremost a gentleman. I had told him that I would not play or even talk about this lifestyle on our first meet. We met for dinner, spent five hours together and not once did it come up. We spent hours talking about friends, family, children, jobs etc. In fact we spent the first month of real time meetings just talking."

Another strategy I use is to discuss the BDSM lifestyle, but only theoretically - not describing my personal experiences. This keeps my private life off of the discussion table. It's important to have clear boundaries when getting to know someone, and talk about sexuality is a critical area. I have also found better success in finding compatible partners by being very up front about what I'm looking for. When I want to play, I say so. But when I'm looking for a relationship I am very clear about that too, and if they aren't a good match, I say thank you and goodbye. This can be a challenge, because to some shallow-minded Dominants, it is not how a Submissive should be acting. Liz illustrates this point, "Many Dominant think because we are submissive, that we don't know the word "no." And if we use it, they tell us we are not submissive." What an opportunity for manipulation! It's that whole thing about "topping from the bottom" which can be a BDSM speak for "you aren't doing what I want you to be doing, and worse, you have ideas yourself." Hard to disagree without sounding, well, unsubmissive.

In a culture that represses sexual expression, those who are open about their sexuality are often assumed to be promiscuous as well. Our puritan history tells us that sexuality is wrong. If sexuality is wrong, then admitting it as we do, discussing it, not to mention celebrating it - is downright sleazy. This underlying cultural idea is in play here when a Dominant acts inappropriately with a Submissive because at a deeper level he believes that she must somehow be "easy" because of her BDSM orientation. This is not an assumption he would necessarily make about a vanilla woman. You can also see that bias in the surprise I encountered when I explain that I was celibate for almost a year. Of course I could have had any number of lovers, but I didn't want a lover, I wanted a relationship. Vanilla people seemed to have this idea that because I was into a kinky lifestyle, that I by definition, had lots of sex all the time.

Being in a tight-knit community as we are, we also often feel that we are on the cutting edge of sexual morays. Looking for a long term relationship under these conditions can seem even more strange than it might otherwise. In many ways our freedom to explore sexuality in its many varied flavors is a wonderful release from a lifetime of repression. The challenge is that having been brought up with these cultural norms, it's hard to be self-aware enough to change the mental programming. You can see these same patterns of our cultural baggage coming out in other areas of the BDSM relationship. For example, it is often said that when the male is Dominant, and female is Submissive, the Dominant pays because money is power, he has the power. Yet, when the female is Dominant, and the male is Submissive, the Submissive pays because it's a tribute to her.

In a similar example, when the male is Dominant, and female is Submissive, he drives the car because driving is about control, not to mention we all know how guys like to control the clicker. When the female is Dominant, and the male is Submissive, he drives the car because he's being a "chauffer." Of course neither of these examples are in stone; they are just illustrations of how our cultural norms are often reflected in the microcosm of BDSM, despite the appearance that we are doing something radical.

Moving into the sexual arena too early also has some downsides; the biggest one being that sexual attraction is such a poor foundation for a long-term relationship. This is not to say that relationships based on sex have no hope for a future, only that we all need to leave the bedroom sometime for that bologna sandwich. Most of life is not experienced in the bedroom, and neither is most of a relationship. BDSM play is a highly intimate act, more intimate in many ways that simply making love because of the high level of trust involved. To talk about our sexuality with a stranger cheapens it, and creates an atmosphere where sexuality is the foundation of a relationship. Fine in the short run, unworkable in the long run. Call me an old fashioned girl if you must. I won't allow boorish people to muscle me around. I will act as the lady I am. Not the armchair knitting helpless sort of lady, but a woman who is a whole person with strong healthy boundaries, and who expresses them politely.

The good news about Susan and her Dominants stacked four deep is that at that very event she met the Dominant of her dreams. He was in the kitchen waiting patiently for her to tire of all the attention. They talked about her life and his, and didn't talk about her sexuality or his. Three years later, they are still together, a relationship based on respect, and of course, good behavior.

~~~~~~

Reference: Pioneer Women by Joanna Stratton, Page 102

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sensuous Sadie is the author of It's Not About the Whip: Love, Sex, and Spirituality in the BDSM Scene (http://www.trafford.com/robots/03-0551.html). She is the founder and leader (1999 - 2001) of Rose & Thorn, Vermont's first BDSM group. Comments, compliments and complaints, as well as requests for reprinting can be addressed to her at SensuousSadie@aol.com or visit her website at www.sensuoussadie.com . Sadie believes the universe is abundant, and that sharing information freely is part of this abundance, so she allows reprints of her writing in most venues.

Copyright 2003 Sadie Sez Publications, Reprinted by permission